Grimey threatened to blindside me with Dale Murphy stories if I didn't update my website to coincide with his latest loljocks entry (shameless), so I decided to throw a little something together, i.e. I am totally ripping off other site's great ideas and reshaping it like Demi Moore's breasts. Firm, yet supple.

I now present the 7 best Philadelphia sports teams uniforms, as well as the 6 worst. I am not counting one off deals like that yellow and blue pile of turd that retarted carpetbagger Lurie dropped on the city...

Best of all times ("all time" being my lifetime, patent pending):

1) Mid-80's Phillies: The maroon and powders. Goddamn they were beautiful. Tight n' right, like my boy Steve Jeltz.

2) 1980's Sixers: A once proud tradition has been tossed aside like a carrot in the salad of corporate shittiness.

3) Late 80's Temple Owls basketball: Mark Macon was the man. 

4) Earlier Flyers: My teeth ache for the days of black stripe-less sweaters. Although this aint bad.

5) Late 70's Eagles: Your football uniforms are shit unless you have at least 9, no 10 stripes on the sleeve. Feel it.

6) Late 80's Eagles: Your football uniforms are shit unless you have no stripes on the sleeve, but instead an Eagle. Fly, America, Fly.

7) Every year Penn State: Not really Philly, but sorta close. And classic. Go Gators.

And the Worst:

1) Any year Black Eagles jerseys: A fucking atrocity. The Eagles are green and silver. Nothing else. Maybe a little white. The worst thing to come out of the 90's besides the general culture was the incessant need for sports teams to incorporate black into their uniforms. And for some god awful reason it continues to stick around. And if you dont think I had about 12 Big Johnson t-shirts by 1994 you're fooling yourself.

2) Early 90's Sixers: Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang. I will always remember where I was when I first heard those names.

3) Late 90's to present Sixers: Pick a color. Any color. Nothing says "American Revolution" like black, white, red, gold, blue, and cable wires.

4) Any Temple uniform with this logo: Angry cartoon mascots. Another 90's holdover that needs to die. 

5) 1993 to present Phillies: Those uniforms gave me this, but I still feel blindsided by the sudden change. 

6) Mid 90's Eagles: I'm sort of ambivilent towards the "newer" Eagles uniforms (except the black), but for some reason I really hate the look circa 1997.

FLY EAGLES FLY

ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY...

Beautiful game today. Just delaying the inevitable heart breaking playoff loss, true, but rubbing turd in the Cowboys face to get in the playoffs, at the same time keeping them out of said playoffs is a fucking gem.

Making the time go by during the off-season

I have been the commish of my fantasy football team for years now. I consider it to be one of the most kick assed, yet sophisticated leagues around. Here's a checklist why. These arent the only reasons my league borders on perfection, and you dont need to have every one of this league's checklist match up, but if you dont I bet your league will suckle more balls than Danny Pintauro.

1) The 12 member league consists mostly of guys I went to college with. You have to know the people you are unmercifully trying to rip off at draft time and at each trading juncture. That way when you do converse with them, you can not only laugh at their horrendous choice of wide receivers (luminaries that just beat you like like Davone Bess), you can laugh at the horrendously portly zeppelin he banged back in 1997. Come to think of it, her name was Davone Bess too. It's knowing the little things that make all the difference.

2) I take running this shit very seriously. Not everyone will. Those guys are fucking tools.

3) One keeper per league. Make the keeper round your 2nd round, that way the assholes who finished ahead of you also get to draft in the 1st round ahead of you too.

4) Dont win every once in a while. As commish, it makes you look like you give a fuck what the other members think. I am such a gracious leader, that I have let someone else win the league 6 of 7 years. The inner beauty just oozes out of me, no?

5) K.I.S.S. Keep It kickaSS, stupid. Listen to what the peons in your league have to say, but your say is final. No league votes. If you build the league simple and fair, they will come a runnin'. Dont show favoritism to one or another. Just put a fucking steel toe boot up someone's shit pipe every once in a while to keep the others scared and poopy pantsted. This blog's namesake did it that way. More on him in another blog, cause that dude was all fucking oxen beast of burden from the Planet Fuck Yeah.

6) Trade AP if you have him. You will never get equal value for him, but if you can (find a sucker) get a solid #1 RB plus a #1 WR, do it. Trust me. He will be my keeper two years running, but haven't gotten past the 1st round come playoff time since he graced my 4th round selection in 2007. Either trade him, or hire someone in a Santa suit to take care of Chester Taylor.

7) If you dont draft for yourself, either by being out of town, or gay, you are out of the league. Half the fun is verbally mushroom tatooing the ass clowns that drafted Kurt Warner in the 10th round (what a douchebag! That guy cant even throw a completed prayer!). Or the moron who drafts Donovan McNabb in round 4, cause he's a Eagles fan and god dammit, he is going to throw for 5000 yards and 57 TD's, that way I can cheer twice as hard for him!

8) Make the league fun. For you. As long as your having fun, at least 8.5% of the population wont throw a size 10 at you.

Places Bear Grylls should go

The Moon: He could prance around Mare Tranquility without a spacesuit, just to show us how to survive within the vacuous nature of the moon. As my buddy (we'll call him Chris Ferry) said, "He could eat a moon rock and wipe his mouth with the American flag. Why? Because he can".

MTV: He could prance around TRL set without a spacesuit, just to show us how to survive within the vacuous nature of The Hills cast.

Flatbush, Brooklyn: Let's see Bear survive a bullet in the neck, bitch.

Naples, FL: Bear could show us how to survive in a place where everyone else goes to die.

Best Rocky movies of all time

Rocky: Best movie of all time. Those who argue otherwise are all wrong.

Rocky III: Mr T at his absolute apex. Why didn't Clubber and Rocky fight a third bout? That would have been bigger than Hagler/Hearns.

Rocky IV: Best soundtrack of the series.

Rocky II: Best ending, but the Adrian coma scene really drags on.

Rocky Balboa: Good movie as a stand alone flick, but compared to the ones in which Sly Stallone wasn't grotesquely roided, it doesn't really measure up.

Rocky V: Tommy Morrison at his absolute a(ids)pex.

Rocky Horror Picture Show: Never saw it.

Rocky and Bullwinkle: Never saw it, but I didn't like the cartoon, so I assume the movie sucks too

Worst blog ever?

You have always been honest with me, loyal reader, so I am going to lay it all out on the line for you.

I am a 32 year old who enjoys virtually nothing (save for fantasy football). I always lose to my friends and even most strangers when I play Lexulous. I weigh approximately the same as a nine year old with a gland problem. I root for my alma mater, Florida. I also root for Philly teams (Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, Flyers, Wings, Soul [but not in 2009]), but I hate them all with malice for what they have done to my life. Except the Phillies post Halloween 2008.

I was going to start a blog about being a fantasy football commissioner, but the season is now over, and thinking about it makes me sad.